The Morovian Telegraph

Late last night, evening Bible study complete and the TV on, I fell asleep in my armchair.

[Matthew] Ladies and Gentlemen, before we begin taking questions we'd like to issue a brief statement.

Galilean Disciples for Truth is a group of former disciples and Galilean fishing boat captains who believe Jesus of Nazareth is not being honest about his so-called ministry to the poor, the sick and the possessed in Galilee. He is lying about his record.

[Thomas] I served with Jesus of Nazareth and I didn't witness any miracles. And when I heard he had been raised from the dead, well, let's just say I had my doubts.

[Simon Peter] Witness any miracles in Galilee? Heck, I've lived in Galilee all my life and I never even heard of him. I said as much to that guard who was questioning...

[Matthew] Er, thank you, Peter. Speaking of questions, do we have any questions from the reporters?

[Reporter 1] Dan Rather, CBS News. How is it, Matthew, that it has taken almost 2,000 years for you folks to set the record straight? Especially as your revised account seems to contradict official church records and your own previous testimony given in support of Jesus?

[voice from the back...] Actually, I tried to keep this Christ thing from getting out of hand from the beginning, when I...

[Matthew] SHUT UP, Judas...

[Reporter 2] Tom Brokaw, NBC News. Matthew, your own gospel testifies that Jesus fed the poor, healed the sick, cast out demons and rose from the dead. How do you square that with what you're saying now?

[Matthew] What you have to understand, Tom, is that first century Palestine was a chaotic, violent place. Our lives were constantly in danger. It was typical, in that situation, to have one of our scribes write the reports.

[Reporter 2] But your name is on it. You signed it.

[Matthew] Like I said, we were very busy, what with fleeing for our lives and all. So I pretty much signed off on whatever was put in front of me. Personally, I think Jesus was responsible for the language describing his so-called ministry. I think he wrote it himself.

[Reporter 2] After he was dead?!

[Matthew] Next question, please?

[Luke] If I may, Matthew, let's nip this in the bud. I treated Jesus after his alleged crucifixion. It was nothing... four nail holes. Big deal. They weren't even really big nails. Oh, and some splinters in his back. Big whoop. I told him to stop being such a baby and sent him off to minister to some homeless widow or something.

[Reporter 3] Robert Siegel, NPR. Your written statement indicates that you are a completely non-partisan group?

[Matthew] That's correct, Robert, our only interest is in the truth.

[Reporter 3] That being the case, Matthew, how do you explain the fact that most of the funding for this group is coming directly from Satan, Diabolical Lord of Darkness himself?

[Matthew] I'm not sure what your point is... Look, isn't it obvious that we're having a hard enough time with the truth here, without you guys bringing up extraneous issues like funding from Hell?

And then I woke up screaming...

No more anchovy pizza for me before bed.

W.F. Beck
Contributor,
The Morovian Telegraph

{Editors: See FindLaw to compare Bush and Kerry service records and FactCheck to check out the facts behind the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth (be sure to check out the supporting document links on the right which support FactCheck.org's analysis). }